I went to Prairie Creek Park today (pretend it's still Tuesday).
I was up late last night and I sat and listened to Coldplay as I rebuilt Wendy's computer and broke down yet again over Robbie. On the way to a day retreat at Paul's house, I had extra time, so I turned down Custer Road.
I drove around the park and soon found a parking detent on the east side. As I walked down a dirt path, I was struck by the design of a tree with five or so trunks. I thought, "I know he would have liked this tree. I wonder if this is where he did it...."
I tried to call Judy Sarwin to complete my morbid obsession and ask her where he was. No answer, so I tried Josh Hebert. Josh lost his sister in December, followed by his job in Austin and now his engagement. He's hurting. He aches. It was a good time to call. By then, Judy had left a message so I tried again.
Judy doesn't see the park the same way. I want to bring my bike and take a picture of the tree and the bridges. She wants to avoid it. She doesn't walk there anymore. His degree of planning is difficult to process. It makes me question why he kept us away in Dallas. I know he felt like a burden, but I wonder if he was also minimizing the potential obstacles....
I was right about the tree.
We talked about Josh and his losses and the fruitless trail of regret. Judy has struggled with it herself but she's moving past it. I'm not sure Josh is able to do that yet. That's a prayer for him--there is no satisfying the "what ifs" and they will not end. They must not be entertained.
The park is lovely. I find it serene and peaceful and will return. I'm not sure why. I needed to land the unanswered questions. I needed to feel close to Rob. It didn't make me feel close to him. It made me angry. It made me feel defeat again. Someday I will go to Judy's and read the letters. Today it is enough to mourn. The tears will be back in a minute.